Horribly Humiliating. I'm Losing Faith with People.

[Jay]

I don't really know how to begin. This is a really, really lost post. I'm sorry for the super long post but I just need to spill what I'm feeling right now.

----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Around 11.40 am, I gave my female friend who works on the 29th floor a call. I told her that I will drop by to her office to pass Christmas paper bags. I work on the 27th floor.

My original plan was to give Christmas paper bags to my colleagues, next door companies on my floor and also to few other people who work in the same office building - I consider these people as friends. Casual friends.

So there I was on the 29th floor carrying 7 Christmas paper bags containing candies. She greeted me.

I told her that all of these Christmas paper bags are for her and another 6 guys that I know.

She said that I shouldn't have prepared these paper bags.

"It's not a big deal." I replied.

"No, really, Jay. They will not accept it."

I was confused.

"Remember those Halloween paper bags that you gave to me? You asked me to pass those bags to all the guys. They rejected them."

"Why?" I became more confused.

She then took me to a more hidden side of the main hallway to have a private conversation.

"I don't want to tell you this because it's going to hurt you. But you need to know, Jay."

"What?"

"They made fun of you."

"What do you mean by that?" I asked.

"Remember the (love) letter that you gave to Chris early this year?"

"Yes, I just came out at the time. I was still inexperienced and excited ... wait, how did you know that I gave him a letter?" I was surprised.

"He read the letter out loud to everyone in the office. Everyone in the company knows about you and the letter, Jay. Our managers. Boss. Everyone. Chris and the rest then made fun of you."

My good spirit immediately flushed out from my body. I was completely drained out on the spot. I wanted to burst into tears but thankfully I managed to control myself.

"It was a personal letter. Why did he tell everyone about the content of my letter?"

"I don't know, Jay. I scolded him afterward. I told him that he should have confronted you personally instead of telling everyone about it. He then joked and gloated on how he already has a fiancee."

"But he flirted with me ..."

"Jay, remember what I told you that what goes around, comes around. His fiancee broke up with him few months later. It wasn't because of you though" She continued.

"How about Sam?" I asked her.

Sam was the first guy that I made friend with from that company. He joined his company approximately at the same time I joined mine. I had a crush on Sam but instantly dropped that feeling after I found out that he is straight. I always consider him as a very friendly pal and a brother.

"He also rejected the Halloween bag and made fun of you." She said.

"But all of them act nice and always said hi to me. Well, except for Chris after I gave him that letter."

"That's how they are, Jay. They act nice in front of you and make fun of you at behind."

"How about Shawn?" Shawn is another guy that I consider as a good friend that I know from that company.

"Remember when you asked for his telephone number... Shawn joked about how he already has a boyfriend."

I was dumbfounded.

I wasn't trying to flirt with Shawn. I already know that he has a boyfriend and he has told me that before as well. I asked for his number because I consider him as a good friend. I wanted to ask him more on gay stuff as I have sought for his advice on gay stuff few times before.

The letter that I gave to Chris contains a lot of sensitive stuff that I have never told anyone. I even confessed to him that I had problem trusting guys because I was sexually bothered by few of my clients when I used to work in a video production company. I also told him that I am a virgin. I even told him about my relationship with the rest of my family. And few other more.

Yes, I was super dumb for confessing all of these to him but I was still an inexperienced, naive and excited gay guy who just came out at the time. I thought Chris is a really nice guy.

"...So what should I do with the other 6 paper bags? Hold on, how about Nick? Is Nick really a nice guy? He even said thanks to me for giving him the Halloween paper bag." I asked her. Nick is Chris' best mate and he is straight.

"I guess you can give it to him. But what if he doesn't want it, Jay?"

"You can take it ..."

We said goodbye. She went back to her office and I went back to the main hallway to wait for an elevator. Then Shawn appeared out of nowhere from behind.

"Hi Jay."

Oh hell, he heard everything. He was outside of the office as he went to the rest room. My friend and I didn't see him as we had our conversation at a hidden side of the main hallway.

"Hi Shawn." I replied uncomfortably. I avoided eye contact with him.

He stood few steps behind me whilst I was waiting for an elevator. He was waiting for an elevator as well.

We then got it into an elevator. I didn't speak a word to him in the elevator as I was a bit messed up. Shawn stood beside me. We weren't alone in the elevator. There were two ladies inside. They saw the Christmas paper bags that I was holding.

The girls said they would love to have those Christmas goodies. They were joking of course.

My mind wasn't functioning at its best at the moment. I took a quick look at Shawn. He gave a little smile to the ladies. Shawn knows that one of the paper bags was meant for him.

I reached my floor and left the elevator hastily. I did say goodbye to Shawn but he didn't reply.

I went straight to my manager's office, Alvin to ask for his advice. I'm close to all of my colleagues. They know about my sexuality, my family etc. Alvin and the rest of my colleagues are like my second family. They protect me from practically everything.

He was angry at Chris after I told him what has happened on the 29th floor. He asked me not to cry several times, which I didn't. Well I almost but I didn't. He asked me to forget all of these guys as they are not worthy to friend with.

Then one by one my colleagues including my boss asked why I was so down. I eventually spilled out the story. They were not happy as well. They asked me to just forget and ignore those guys.

Sure, I can move on but I'm slowly losing faith towards people. I don't know who I can trust and should I trust. I don't know if it's worthy to be nice to people. I got screwed by many continuously. First it was Jamie. Then these guys. I also don't know why I keep on bumping into jackass and douche guys. I'm giving up in finding a guy. I've had enough.

My heart has pretty much shattered into pieces and all of these happened few days before I'm going to have a massive surgery. Oh, joy.

I know that my wound will eventually heal but I don't think I will be the same anymore.

As for Chris, I never thought someone can stoop so low. What he did was monstrosity cruel and rude.

P/S: Now it makes sense why their boss kept giving me a disapproval and disgusted look at me. He used to smile and asked how I was doing. He must think I am a slut or whore.

[Almac]

Oh you poor soul Jay I know how that feels when someone makes you feel so humiliated. Never mind you're a million times better then those guys that's for sure.. You're a kind hearted person and that's the type of person that the sneering classes like to humiliate.

[Bowyn Aerrow]

I also don't know why I keep on bumping into jackass and douche guys

I fear that's because a decent chunk of humanity are jackasses and douchebags.

Its sort of like trying to not get rained on when running through a typhoon....

There is no easy answer to who you can and cannot trust. Those jerks usually come off with a nice mask of charm, hiding pure evil inside.

Don't stop being a good guy because of the losers in the world. You will miss out on the being good to the good people.

DO take care with what you say, and how much you reveal. You did say too much to this Chris in that letter. I do not recall any of us suggesting you tell everything, and if we lead you to believe that you should reveal all at once, that was totally our bad and we should have clarified and urged some caution.

I'm giving up in finding a guy. I've had enough.

Hmm - there are good guys - real good guys, in the world. They are hard to see due to the heavy rain of asshats and idiots, but they are out there.

Look, you are a good guy - there is some truth to the old adage 'good guys finish last' - get used to this notion. Also get used to the idea that as a good guy you become an easy target to the asshats of the world. They do not like you because YOU ARE a good guy. You remind them that they are not so good, so they will resort to doing nasty things to make themselves feel better than you, which usually means they will only reveal even more how un-good they really are.

I take it that most of these people have seen your personal transformation in whole or in part, this also breeds jealousy. You have shown remarkable will and strength of character which will bring out the very worst in the worst. Again they are uncomfortably reminded that they are not up to par, thus they will take great 'satisfaction' from hurting you to make themselves feel better than you. This is their problem, not your problem.

Remain steady and strong, overcome and sail by, let them see that their worst does not diminish you, let them see that it only strengthens your resolve to be better and actually you are better than them.

[LateBloomer]

Sorry Jay, that sounds really rough.

It kind of reminds me of the expression: "No good deed goes unpunished."

It would be understandable if you took a more "cynical" approach to people for a little while, but don't completely give up on people. There are many who are worth your time and attention.

Give it time.
Best,

[Thibideau]

Emerson wrote “The mob is man voluntarily descending to the nature of the beast. Its fit hour of activity is night. Its actions are insane like its whole constitution. It persecutes a principle; it would whip a right; it would tar and feather justice, by inflicting fire and outrage upon the houses and persons of those who have these. It resembles the prank of boys, who run with fire-engines to put out the ruddy aurora streaming to the stars.”

When people get together and tear you apart like that behind yourback, it's because they're a "Mob". Being apart of that mob alleviates guilt or sympathy because they act like a single person. Basically they don't need to feel bad about what they're saying because they're so shallow they lose the will to speak for themselves and let the "mob" speak for them.

I bet not a single one of those cowards would have the guts to say anything to your face. I'd also say that some of them probably didn't even mean the things they were saying, they just let themselves get caught up in the group mentality. So don't give up on people. We're social beings by nature. Learning who to cut out of your life and who to include is a hard lesson for anyone to learn. Look for people who have a strong sense of self, who prefer to add something intelligent to a conversation and are upfront about what they're thinking, let the universe sort the rest out because you'll go crazy thinking about all the potential bad seeds in your life. Most people aren't worth the time of day, but I promise there are kindred spirits out there, you just have to keep looking.

[CellarDweller]

Jay, you don't deserve such treatment, but the sad fact is that tender-hearted guys like you seem to be prime targets for jackasses.

I'm glad that your female friend told you about what was going on, at least you know you can trust her.

You will find someone who will realize just what a treasure you are. I know how hurt you are, please take time to be gentle with yourself, allow yourself to heal, and then move on to new people who will appreicate who you really are.

[East]

Jay....people can be unbelievably cruel and thoughtless.

I can feel your pain from your post here and that will subside with time but dont' let it break you...there are so many good people in the world who deserve your trust and friendship so you have to remember one thing and I hope you can take this with you from the situation.

What happened with these guys and how they behaved is a reflection of who they are and it has nothing to do with you. You have seen a true example of their character...they hid behind false personalities. The best revenge is to live well which I would interpret as not allowing these weak minded people to have any real effect on you...

Sadly there will be more men like Chris and the gang and when you wear your heart on your sleeve as you do this might happen so it is important to understand that it has nothing at all to do with you and everything about it has to do with who they are...they are not worthy of your time or your friendship...

I am so sorry you have to deal with this at this time...remember your long term goal and the moment you have been waiting for and try to focus on that...you are so much more of a man than they will ever be.

...take care my friend.

[pellaz]

Around 11.40 am, I gave my female friend who works on the 29th floor a call. I told her that I will drop by to her office to pass Christmas paper bags. I work on the 27th floor ... She greeted me ... She said that I shouldn't have prepared these paper bags ... She then took me to a more hidden side of the main hallway to have a private conversation ... "I don't want to tell you this because it's going to hurt you. But you need to know, Jay." ... "They made fun of you."

you need a hug

you have a decent lady friend there in that you maybe could use her judgement. be careful at work because, well,,, its work.
not enough information, i dont know what is expected culture for people at work in your country.

[SlipknotRlZZ]

Jay, I believe I have a lot to learn still, but I feel like I have already found the resolution, for myself, to thrust problems. It's not anything in particular, it's just that at some point you start knowing who is to be trusted, and some things, the most precious ones, stay inside till someone knocks gently on the door and the little voice inside says it's safe to let them in.

[nullnaught]

Don't let them change you. I gave up on people for 20 years. One thing it did NOT do is make me a happier person.
You deserve to be happy.