I'm 32.. He's a 18 Blonde/Blue-Eyed Adonis.. SO CONFUSED

[californialife]

Summary:

Me: 32, never dated (thus never had a relationship), have been in the local gay scene for the past 10 years and seem to get attention wherever I go.

Him: 18, dated constantly, in the local gay scene for over a year and seems to get attention wherever he goes.

We met three months ago, when he found me online and sent me a facebook add request. While, I normally do not add random people.. he was extremely attractive.. so I did.. (I suppose that's the guy in me) he messaged me a few times, essentially teasing me... saying hi... being 'cute'.. and saying.. look at me.. I'm giving you attention, but you can never have me.. yet when I found out his age from someone else.. I immediately pushed him away.. told him I don't, nor have not associated with anyone under 23 in years and we would have nothing in common due to our age differences.

We both have an extensive damaged pasts unresolved, in which both of us never discuss with anyone. This is not the post for it, albeit the damage from our past is severe..

He's a full fledged alcoholic at 18 and proud of it. I hadn't drank in 5 years.. until he came into my life.. have never seen him sober.. and lately it appears I have been becoming one as well.

One thing to understand about this 'boy', (he is 18).. is that he is absolutely gorgeous.. tan.. tall.. blonde.. blue-eyed.. etc.. and he knows it.

I don't have a problem finding guys either.. yet can of course not compete with the amount of attention someone like this gets.

We met a few months ago after I tried everything possible to get him to understand, I was too old for him and we would have nothing in common. We met, talked and hit it off and I told him I didn't want to do anything with him physically... yet I really felt something for him.. I used to be financially be very well off and had parties with hundreds of 'boys' that looked like him.. and was never really interested in any of them.. nor did anything with them.. yet there was something about this one.. he had been hurt and i had been hurt.. badly.. and we never let anyone into our lives..

Instead of turning this into a novel.. in summary.. he only messaged/messages me when he is drunk.. (which is always).. always complimenting me.. always wanting to come over and spend time with me.. (even though it usually ends up with him passing out near me and nothing happening)..

If I message/call/contact him.. he never messages me back.. which caused for several of our issues when we first met.. I would see him.. he would spend the night.. and then I wouldn't hear from him until a week or so later, when he was lonely and wanted to come over.. (keep in mind, this individual probably has 100 guys texting him every day.. when he wakes up in the morning.. he logs on to every messaging option available and is flooded with communications from anyone and everyone..)

I've tried to cut it off with him.. for reasons, self-obvious.. yet when I do.. he becomes verbally abusive and tells me I am just like everyone else that has left him in his life.. (mother disowned him/father left long ago) he won't let me leave and then we end up seeing each other shortly thereafter.. he spends the night.. then I don't hear from him for another week.. and the cycle continues.. this has been going on for three months like this.

The closest I can compare this to, is the movie 'Leaving Las Vegas'.. we both deeply care for eachother, yet are so emotionally damaged, that we've never had a relationship that meant anything with anyone.. when drunk, he admits that I am the only one he has ever shared anything with himself about, because he trusts me.. and I'm the only person he has ever trusted..

When he messages me or sees me (once a week or so), it seems like he cares so much about me.. yet he absolutely never responds to my text messages when I send them to him, he never responds back.. nothing.. I don't even bother ever asking how he is doing, because he won't respond back.. he tells me he gets so many text messages, he just ignores his phone. (which actually is partially true.. it's ridiculous.. I have never seen a phone 'go off' as often as his.. it's like a lights and sound show 24/7).. I don't think I need to explain this aspect of why he has so many people in his life that don't know him.. he can never be alone with his thoughts.. he always needs someone around..

Anyways, I sincerely care for this individual.. and I know he cares about me.. but sometimes it tears me up.. he will walk miles from a party at 3am in the night drunk, freezing wearing nothing but a t-shirt just to see me.. drives beyond drunk, just to come pass out on my bed.. (after I've told him countless times this is unacceptable)..

Like I said.. he only messages me when he is extremely drunk.. and when he does.. he will tell me things like I am the only one that means anything to him.. I am the only one he trusts.. he wants to be with me.. he wants to be close to me.. and I always manage to give in to his requests and he ends up at my place.. and then I don't hear back from him until another week.. he knows I always respond to his text messages.. and will always be there for him, so he takes it for granted.. one time I didn't respond immediately (he has never responded to mine) and he sent me countless messages through the entire day.. basically saying 'well at least tell me if you are done with me or not..'..my phone did not stop the entire day.. but once he knew I wasn't leaving him, I didn't hear from him for another week..

I could go on and on.. but I think my point is rather self-evident.. I don't really care for '
'anyone'.. (I haven't ever dated or been in a relationship.. after being out for over 10 years.. for a reason) I use people constantly for my own needs.. we are both rather attractive and have got pretty much anything we wanted in life through using other people and manipulation.. both of us.. extremely lonely..

I just don't know what to do.. I know our 'relationship' or whatever it is called, is so self-destructive beyond anything.. that it makes nothing but sense to end it immediately.. yet.. I have never felt anything for anyone.. this is the first person in my life I care about.. I've never even told my family members I care about them.. and if I left him, it would break him.. he's 18 and already knows he is drinking himself to death and when drunk admits, he won't be around much longer..

I just don't know.. I need to leave him.. our self-destructive habits aren't going anywhere.. but I care about him so much.. and i know he feels the same for me.. and even though we have been physical.. it's beyond that.. and keep in mind.. I am 32.. he is 18.. I usually don't even associate with anyone under 25.. let alone 18?!

how could I fall and feel for this situation, I don't know.. I care so much about him.. and if I left him, I know he would have nobody but hundreds of guys use and abuse him for his beauty and his prophecy of not being around much longer might come true sooner than later.. any advice on what I can do would be appreciated.. this cycle just cannot continue.. and I don't see him or me changing our way of interacting anytime soon..

[azulai]

I need more time to reread what you wrote but I wanted to bump your thread so that others with more life experience than I have could see your thread and hopefully give you some advice.

My first take on it is that age shouldn't matter, he's legal and you both have enough experience to know the score. There's a connection, so I would stop beating yourself up over the age thing.

I don't do drama and I think it's incredibly unwise to continue with someone with self-destructive tendencies. I mean, his alcoholism has contributed to you now drinking? So, I always tend to advise toward self-preservation but I'm not sure here. Are any drugs involved? It just sounds like there's more substance abuse here. IDK. The little games with messaging/not messaging is just kind of ridiculous and immature. Driving while drunk could lead to him hurting/killing some innocent person. You need to understand that when someone has self-destructive tendencies, the change/the commitment to change has to come from within. It's out of your control. And, it may be more than you are capable of even handling.

Even though you haven't been in a relationship, you sound like you have enough experience observing life to know what you want. Maybe sit down and evaluate if this guy is what you want. Kind of look at things and honestly and critically see if this guy can meet your needs/wants/dreams. Love and caring isn't enough for a relationship.

I think one possibility could be: have a serious discussion of what you both want. If he's willing, set guidelines to clean up both of your acts and make a go of it? Maybe both of you could go to AA and even get some counseling for you both? He has to want to build a life with you. You can care all you want but if he isn't committed to making a change then the self-destruction will continue and he'll bring you down with him.

Stay safe and welcome to GS.

[Bowyn Aerrow]

I fail to see any confusion here at all. But then I have more than a decade clean and sober and I know better than to hang around let alone get involved with a drunk.

He needs a program of recovery, and that ain't gonna happen until he hits his bottom - where ever that may be or what that may be.

There may also be a legal issue here. He is 18, he is under age - a minor - when it comes to drinking booze. Where is he getting it, who is supplying it and if you are around are the cops going to get on your arse because you are the responsible adult and its obvious (to them) that you are contributing to the delinquency of a minor?

I don't care if he is the greatest looking guy ever - it is not worth the headache. Stop thinking with your little head and think and act with the head on your shoulders.

In all honesty there is probably a lot he needs that no one can give him at this time. Again, and I can't stress these enough, he needs a program of recovery, but first he has to admit he has a problem and not be proud to be a drunk.

For the record, did you check his State ID? He says he is 18 - but is he really, or is he 17 or 16? If he is 16 and you tapped that, are you aware of the age of consent laws in your area?

Do those questions make you uncomfortable? Good, best to be uncomfortable reading embarrassing questions than being uncomfortable standing before a judge sentencing you for a sex crime.

I can clearly see all the potential badness here. You need to see it and then make a choice to stick around and run risks or to run - run fast and hard and get as much distance between you and this wrecking ball.

[LateBloomer]

Californialife indicates he's from Southern California, so it's not just his name.

In California the age of consent is 18.

So I'm bothered less by the age difference than I am bothered by the self-destructive behavior. BUT B.A. makes a good point. This guy's age needs to be verified, but even so, as B.A. says, it couldn't be worth the headache.

So much toxicity in this relationship. We can't care for someone else until we can take care of OURSELVES.

Best wishes and prayers.

[East]

We both have an extensive damaged pasts unresolved

All of your answers are rooted in this sentence you wrote. If you have extensive damage you need to heal yourself. If you have massive physical wounds you would not live long without healing yourself...same goes for the mind and soul. You can be alive and be dead inside. I promise.

May I ask...do you have a desire or need to save him on some level?

[Sylph]

What a pickle...

Well, first off, Hi :3 .
I'm going to be as blunt and as honest as I can be, without being rude, but you need to really understand the predicament you're in.

I may be 18, but I feel mentally mature, enough so to atleast try and help you with this issue. Also, because I am 18, I can probably relate to atleast some aspect of his life and views, though being totally different people.

You liking him/ vice versa isn't the problem you should be focused on, but the reasons why you like him and also vice versa. Beauty/Handsomeness isn't a reason for like him, and you should know this as a 32 year old man, but rather the personality and person, behind the visage you described. I'm sure you are a good man, seeing as how you don't seem to want to abuse his already thread-bare, crumbling life, but you must also see that your inadvertantly killing him. You may not mean to, or even know that your're doing it, but allowing him to be drunk 24/7 and on top of that having sex with him, isn't solving his issues, only masking them, by clouding your judgement of reason with lust, which inturn can lead to your adoration of him.

To be honest(and with all due respect), he seems to be an ugly person on the inside, and he probably realized and developed this destructive habit/lifestyle. He may not have been the cause of this, maybe he was abused/raped/bullied, but either way, him developing this habit has destroyed all that he ever could and should be, and at 18 no less!! He's the same age as me for goodness sake.

I've been bullied,sexually harrased by a older class mate and a lot of other emotional traumas, so I can imagine if that's what he's gone through, why he would do it, but it's no excuse to not live life.

I'm sorry sir, but though I may not know you, I believe you are not helping him, and should stop having sex with him and try to sort out his problems first. You say that others will just use him for his good looks/ body, but isn't that what your doing? You just slap the, "I care for him/ he cares for me" card to make it seem okay.(I'm going to get on your case, but it's for your/his own good)

You can say you love him/him you, but how can you love someone, who so obviously doesn't love himself? His looks have clouded your reasonable judgement, and your being "out of the game" for awhile is probably contributing to this. Hey, I may be wrong and you're both madly in love with each other, that's great, but ask yourself, is it really truely Love? And if it is, is it healty?

I mean, I don't know him, but as an 18 year old myself, I know all the typical stuff that can be very stressful and cause him to do this to himself. He's probably just finished highschool, he could be financially destitute and can't get into a college, his parents have dis-owned him or died, he can't find a job, society has probably rejected him, because he is gay(I don't know if he's open about it) he feels like he needs to follow the "typical" gay male lifestyle, he may not have high self esteem(even with good looks).

Things like this can set off an 18 year old in this generation, where things are appearantly 10x harder for us, especially education-wise.

I believe he needs treatment, and even though he may not want it/ wants to accept it, you have to atleast stop hurting him, if you care for him as much as you say you do. People cannot receive help unless they want it, and as sad as that is for someone who could potentially have been me, it's the truth and you must not further the problems he has. Sex will only harm him rather than help him, despite what he tells you.

Also, you yourself must stop drinking as well, as it will only destroy what you've become so far. Nobody, no matter how beautiful/handsome, or perfect they are, is worth losing yourself to, and should not allow them to, as hard as it is.

You may not want to take advise from a 18 year old, but just think, if you were in my position, and genuinely wanted to help, would you want the person to atleast listen?

I really do hope you get better, and learn to deal/ cope with this situation without worsening it, and you should be ready to leave him if all else fails. It's not abandonment, if the person has already abandon all that they are already. Do all that you can do, but don't kill yourself, or him over it.

I also hope he gets better as well.

[mdna]

In all honesty there is probably a lot he needs that no one can give him at this time. Again, and I can't stress these enough, he needs a program of recovery, but first he has to admit he has a problem and not be proud to be a drunk.

I cant say I agree with everything you wrote, although, to be fair about 95% of it was spot on. This particularly struck a cord with me and from first hand experience of knowing an alcoholic. I wholeheartedly agree that this is the guy`s first crucial step.

The legal aspect is also a concern. From the authorities point of view any adult around an intoxicated minor would be seen as an `enabler`.

[Person66]

Bowyn and everybody else is spot on. This just isn't the guy for you. You knw this inside, you said yourself
"I need to leave him...our self destructive habits aren't going anywhere". You know what to do, it's just going to be painful to do it. I know this is easy for me to say, but it's the absolute truth. When you yourself and every single person who responded to your post says that this isn't a healthy relationship and that you need to get out; the answer is obvious.
What happened in the end of "Leaving Las Vegas", Nicolas Cage died, Elisabeth Shue was in a worse situation than when the movie began and she lost her home, even the guy who wrote the memoirs the movie was based on died like a week before the Oscar's.
Everybody's here for you if you need us.

[pellaz]

possibility of a relationship:
well you got the trust thing going, communication is not as good as needed. Do both of you want a relationship out of this, maybe not. Your are getting to that age but not there yet. Relationships are a lot of work. Initially you two might be drawn together because its something new. For me it takes about a year for any dependencies to develop.
From the sounds of things it might not work. Sorry.

Just be there for him.
Limit the amount of drama you accept in your house hold by seeing him whenever. Keep in mind house boys are needy and steal things. If you pick this mission you really can not dump him mid way when the going gets bad.

Continue to date others.
Yes; YOU go on a date. For you this is an awaking? Think in terms of what you need in your life and find that person that puts these things on the table. Not necessary common interests, but long term, what do you need to complete the next 2/3 's of your live. Not a sole mate but something where the relationship adds up to more than just two men.

[Inchante]

This sounds like a potentially harmful relationship. And I think it can be far more harmful for him than you, given the fact that he is obviously not mature enough to handle a real relationship or deal with his problems without alcohol. He needs to see a therapist, go through AA, and learn how to cope with his issues as an adult before he gets in a relationship. He is on a downward spiral and could potentially carry you down with him. The only relationships I have ever seen work with such an age difference were with situations where the younger partner was extremely mature for their age. This is not the case with your situation.