Inchante Wrote:This sounds like a potentially harmful relationship. And I think it can be far more harmful for him than you, given the fact that he is obviously not mature enough to handle a real relationship or deal with his problems without alcohol. He needs to see a therapist, go through AA, and learn how to cope with his issues as an adult before he gets in a relationship. He is on a downward spiral and could potentially carry you down with him. The only relationships I have ever seen work with such an age difference were with situations where the younger partner was extremely mature for their age. This is not the case with your situation.
Welcome back.
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hello and i hope and I'm not too late to join this discussion  mile:
the title caught my eye because i am 32 myself and, alas, have been going out with an 18 year old.
a few of the circumstances are similar: we are both good looking, he pursued me, he is incredibly attractive...
my partner doesn't drink nor does he engage in self-destructive habits; but i could identify some other similar patterns of behavior - namely capricious demands and behaviors that would drive any sensible person to insanity: one minute he is telling you that he loves you and doesn't want to lose you, the next he is telling you that he wants to take a stroll around the nightclub by himself or even end the relationship altogether (5 minutes after telling you he loves you); only to tell me how sorry he is and that he will make it up to me by spending the week at my place.
bottom line here my friend is that your BF has got you by the testicles - and you are allowing it.
Rule #1: Do not try to understand a 18 year old.
Rule #2: Do not try to understand a 18 year old especially if the 18 year old is going through these turmoils you've described.
Rule #3: Do not take everything he says at face value.
What you should do, IF you want to keep him, IF you want to remain sane and IF you want him to change his ways is to develop some cojones and put him back in line.
You should NOT be text messaging him - ESPECIALLY if you know he doesn't reply. You should NOT be allowing him into your house IF he is drunk. YOU should not explain yourself or worse yet, appologise if you don't reply to his messages.
Just like a pet you need to educate him. If he behaves well, you respond positively. If he doesn't, you shut the door.
When my partner asked to end our relationship (again, after loving me 5 minutes ago), I said "Yep, fine, thats a sound idea".
When he wanted to take a stroll by himself at the club, I returned his documents which he asked me to keep and said, "Sounds great, I was getting tired anyway so Im heading home". He stared at me in shock at the notion he had to take a 1.5 hour bus drive to his house at 5 am (he was going to sleep at my place) and I left the scene without looking back.
The following day he is text messaging me how much he loves me, when he can come over to my place, that he doesn't want to go clubbing but rather spend the night with me at my house.
In your case, you need to do the same about his alcohol problem - and about his crazy whims too. Otherwise you'll go mad and he will most likely leave you if he doesn't end up 6 feet under before that.
Remember, preaching or lecturing a 18 year old won't do. You need to set the example.
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UPDATE:
I do thank everyone for all of the advice.. I have taken it all into consideration...
Over the past couple weeks.. I finally realized it was time that I had to put an end to it. To wish him the best and move on.. I couldn't bring myself to it... I was a wreck even thinking about leaving him..
I know he cares for me.. and I care for him.. but we are both extremely damaged people.. (being 32 and never having had a boyfriend or dated, even though I have been out for over 10 years must say something there..)
To make a long story short.. after all of this logic.. to end it all.. I asked him on our first real date.. my first date in my life.. a repeat at the same dining establishment of the night we first met.. I know.. I know.. and i know...
In terms of the 'using' me.. 'encouraging'.. 'aiding'.. 'using him' aspect.. I have never provided alcohol to him.. I have never paid for anything for him over the past four months since we first met.. he even paid for his part of the first dinner we had together.. albeit I have provided him with coffee in the morning after waking up.. and well that's it... nor has he ever asked for anything.. I live in a studio apartment and he knows I do not have much money anymore (I lost it all years ago due to an unfortunate circumstance), nor a car, or anything else of grand value that dozens of millionaires in the area would be glad to provide to him for his companionship.. yes.. he knows, uses and surrounds himself around plenty of older unattractive men that do have much more to offer on that aspect.. albeit we openly discuss it on how he uses them.. and well in a way they use him as well.. thinking they are going to get somewhere with them.. I think we know those type of individuals.. (and I sure hope to never be one of them!)
So we have our first sober 'date' next week.. Any suggestions on how or what to say or do?
He also told me he hasn't had anything to drink in a week... I didn't ask why.. I just can't seem to stop caring for this guy and it drives me absolutely crazy me to no end.. During the dot-com era.. I made a fortune (and lost it all many years later) yet I had years of parties at my house with hundreds of boys (that were actually around my age) that were equally if not more attractive than him, that I could have had in my life and done anything with.. albeit I never really felt anything for them.. nor did anything with any of them really.. and even now.. I am surprised.. but it seems like I am able to attract even the most unattainable guys wherever I go.. I don't know why or what these extremely attractive younger guys that have the world going for them see in me..
I spend one evening with them and they seem to fall for me.. gazing in my eyes.. complimenting me.. wanting to see me again.. etc.. I mean.. let's be real.. I'm decent looking, take care of myself, work out, etc.. but I am 32.. and these are all extremely attractive, mostly younger guys that could have anyone.. and they come to a damaged individual like me..? I don't get it.. but I still feel nothing for any of them.. never have.. not once in ten years.. call me odd.. albeit I don't think I have dated.. because I have honestly never been attracted to a 'gay' guy romantically.. simply a 'lust' situation and nothing more.. 'lust'
Why this one.. I have tried so many times to walk away.. albeit when I do, I feel horrible.. it is like my heart drops and I can't imagine him not being in my life.. I am the only one he trusts, the only he really has that he can open up to... and it is similar with me.. even though we both know literally hundreds, if not thousands or so people in the area that we can call.. I don't know how to describe it.. it's like, we both have a sixth sense.. that when we are close together.. we can feel the pain of each other in the past and what we have been through without saying a word.. and we connect.. even though I am 32.. and he is... ... 18.
Lately.. he has been showing more interest.. messaging me more often.. responding to my text messages.. telling me he wants to spend more time with me, etc.. and I am the one having to push him away it seems.. it's just.. 32.. 18.. I mean.. come on.. all my friends are in their 30s and up.. I haven't even talked to a guy younger than 23 in who knows how long.. I'm past that stage!
I've traveled the world, lived all over, done so much.. as attractive as he is.. it really isn't the lust.. as said, when he contacts me asking to hook up, I tell him I am not interested.. that we can be close together.. but I don't want to go there like we did in the past.. I can call up plenty of guys that look just like him.. but there just isn't the interest.. there is just something about him.. frustrating to no end.. and I don't even know who he is.. as we have never even gone that far as to discuss anything about ourselves in a sober mindset really...
What I question as well.. is that he surrounds himself around extremely attractive people.. and hundreds of them literally.. he can have anyone at any time.. why some damaged 32 year old? I by no means am any more special and definitely not any more attractive than most all of the extremely beautiful people he associates with..
I know it doesn't make sense.. I should run, not walk.. but.. this is the first time I have ever felt anything for anyone in my entire life.. of the thousands of gay guys in total that I have surrounded myself with over the years... when I had my big house, big parties and my choice of anyone.. nobody ever did anything for me.. this is the only person.. ever.. still soo lost.. :frown:
I don't know if this is a question.. or a venting session.. either way.. I do appreciate all the advice and suggestions on how to deal with this situation. Thank you again.
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Aeneas,
I am not able to send you a private message for some reason.. apparently due to my new user status.. Do you have a chat handle with a provider? (gmail, aol, etc..)?
Aeneas Wrote:hello and i hope and I'm not too late to join this discussion mile:
the title caught my eye because i am 32 myself and, alas, have been going out with an 18 year old.
a few of the circumstances are similar: we are both good looking, he pursued me, he is incredibly attractive...
my partner doesn't drink nor does he engage in self-destructive habits; but i could identify some other similar patterns of behavior - namely capricious demands and behaviors that would drive any sensible person to insanity: one minute he is telling you that he loves you and doesn't want to lose you, the next he is telling you that he wants to take a stroll around the nightclub by himself or even end the relationship altogether (5 minutes after telling you he loves you); only to tell me how sorry he is and that he will make it up to me by spending the week at my place.
bottom line here my friend is that your BF has got you by the testicles - and you are allowing it.
Rule #1: Do not try to understand a 18 year old.
Rule #2: Do not try to understand a 18 year old especially if the 18 year old is going through these turmoils you've described.
Rule #3: Do not take everything he says at face value.
What you should do, IF you want to keep him, IF you want to remain sane and IF you want him to change his ways is to develop some cojones and put him back in line.
You should NOT be text messaging him - ESPECIALLY if you know he doesn't reply. You should NOT be allowing him into your house IF he is drunk. YOU should not explain yourself or worse yet, appologise if you don't reply to his messages.
Just like a pet you need to educate him. If he behaves well, you respond positively. If he doesn't, you shut the door.
When my partner asked to end our relationship (again, after loving me 5 minutes ago), I said "Yep, fine, thats a sound idea".
When he wanted to take a stroll by himself at the club, I returned his documents which he asked me to keep and said, "Sounds great, I was getting tired anyway so Im heading home". He stared at me in shock at the notion he had to take a 1.5 hour bus drive to his house at 5 am (he was going to sleep at my place) and I left the scene without looking back.
The following day he is text messaging me how much he loves me, when he can come over to my place, that he doesn't want to go clubbing but rather spend the night with me at my house.
In your case, you need to do the same about his alcohol problem - and about his crazy whims too. Otherwise you'll go mad and he will most likely leave you if he doesn't end up 6 feet under before that.
Remember, preaching or lecturing a 18 year old won't do. You need to set the example.
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ignore this post
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I do appreciate all the advice from everyone. I took it all into heart and have still been evaluating on how to proceed.
Since this message was posted, he has started to show more interest in me and has been responding to my text messages almost immediately. He told me he hasn't had anything to drink in a week. (I never even asked him to stop..)
Basically.. I told myself.. it was over.. I am 32.. he is 18.. he is surrounded by hundreds of guys that desire him and we are both way too emotionally unstable to date...
And well.. to make a long story short.. we are going on our first date in a few days.. he asked me why I hadn't asked him earlier.. as the most I've seen from him, is him drunk dialing me and passing out at my place.
As much as everything about this situation says run run run.. my heart feels so much for this individual.. I made a very fair amount of money during the dot-com era and used to have parties with hundreds of boys.. and none of them did anything for me. I've actually never been romantically interested or cared about any other gay guy in my life.. of the thousands I have met..
I am surrounded by individuals and seem to have no problem engaging and going where I desire with individuals just as attractive, if not more attractive than this individual.. and for some ridiculous reason, most all of them end up falling for me and I have to push them away.. I take care of myself, but am nothing special at all by any means. I don't understand it to say the least, especially considering my emotionally damaged situation.
There's just something about this boy that I care about that transcends past lust.. (I am the one having to turn down his attempts at hooking up.. he always tries to initiate it.. I tell him that I simply care for him and don't think we should go that far..) I had a father figure, mother figure, brother that was there for me.. I don't have any abuse in my past.. and really I have never cared for much of anyone at all, ever.. as more than a friend.
Should I follow my heart.. or do you all think this is destined to tear me apart? :confused:
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californialife Wrote:UPDATE:
So we have our first sober 'date' next week.. any suggestions on how or what to say to see if we should continue or...? (he also told me he hasn't had anything to drink in six days.. I didn't ask why..)
Let him do the talking. I know the feeling. I do get frustrated too - I just don't let him know :big grin:
[COLOR="Red"]My advice would be to just take it one day at a time. See how it unfolds. Don't plan ahead, don't think ahead. If he is anything like mine, he will be the one telling you how long you too will be together and you just nod in agreement.
Also, never tell him you love him. Ever. Show it, but don't say it.
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Lately.. he has been showing more interest.. messaging me more often.. responding to my text messages.. telling me he wants to spend more time with me, etc.. and I am the one having to push him away it seems.. it's just.. 32.. 18.. I mean.. come on.. all my friends are in their 30s and up.. I've traveled the world, lived all over, done so much.. as attractive as he is.. it really isn't the lust.. (as said, when he contacts me asking to hook up, I tell him I am not interested.. that we can be close together.. but I don't want to go there..) I can call up plenty of guys that look just like him.. but there just isn't the interest.. there is just something about him.. frustrating to no end.. and I don't even know who he is..
What I question as well.. is that he surrounds himself around extremely attractive people.. and hundreds of them literally.. he can have anyone at anytime.. why some 32 year old? I by no means are any more special than most of the people he associates with..
I know it doesn't make sense.. I should run, not walk.. but this is the first time I have ever felt anything for anyone in my entire life.. of the thousands of gay guys I surrounded myself with over the years, when I had my big house, big parties and my choice of anyone.. but nobody ever did anything for me.. still soo lost.. :frown:
[COLOR="red"]You are thinking too much here mate. An attractive 18 year old will be high maintenance, so you just cannot bring yourself to worry too much about it. You'll just need to keep your cool and play it right.
Feeling insecure about his looks, the people he associates with, or his age won't accomplish anything. If he is with you its because he WANTS to be with you. And don't forget, 18 year olds also feel insecurities about older people. As you have said you are much more experienced, accomplished, educated, well-versed or maybe perhaps just "more interesting" because of all this. So you need to understand that as well.
So if there are good moments between the two of you, hold on to that and build from there. Never mind the age. The age will bring complications on the mental front (a battle you should be winning btw), but you shouldn't allow the mere fact that the difference exists to expect doom&gloom; nor should you allow yourself to feel uncomfortable because of it.
Risks exist in any relationship regardless of age.
And the fact that he is changing his ways after you "pushed him away" is a very good sign. But if you want to go the whole way here, you need to let him know one way or another that you ARE interested in his company, but he won't be the only one who determines how and when you'll be spending that time together.
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my replies are in red above. my two cents.
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I have been in a similar situation myself, only the guy and I were around the same age.
I think the attraction between two damaged individuals is very strong, and it easily develops into co-dependancy.
The only reason I was able to break it off with my then BF is because my job required me to move to the other side of the country. At that time I was totally heart broken at having to leave him behind, but a few weeks after I left, I found out that he had already found another guy and was calling him his “soul mateâ€Â. Suddenly I felt sober, and just decided to move on.
I guess what I am trying to say is, destructive love is so passionate, but in the end either you screw up your life, or if either of you decide to get back to your senses, it all suddenly fall apart.
I think you should end it in one way or another while the passion is still there, so that you have some nice memories of passionate love to look back to for the rest of your life.
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Aeneas Wrote:ignore this post
I tried to contact you via your messenger, albeit it appears you are not logged on? Thanks
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maybe I've misread, or misinterpreted, but i don't think "californialife" is at all damaged. he is just selfish and not easily impressed by others. he gets bored fast with other people either because they are "easy" or because they are just plain dull.
I am like this, to an extent.
The fact that this attractive 18 year old doesn't play by his rules puts him off-balance and yes, its appealing whilst frustrating and sometimes, infuriating.
and 18 year olds can be very manipulative when they are attractive and they know it. Especially those who have been in the gay scene, promiscuous as it is; and especially those who ask for nothing in return - they don't need your money, nor your car, nor your apartment etc. I wouldnt completely rule out the fact that he victimizes himself so often is not a part of all this manipulation. At the end of the day, they don't know what they want - But they do know what they don't want to lose. So they can't get too comfortable.
Every 18 year old drinks alcohol. Its not that big of a deal the problem the way i see it is his behavior. Change one and you change the other.
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