lost and confused

[gaybrisboy24]

hey there guys this is my first post on here and im looking to get some advice,
i met my bf just over 6 years ago through texting, we hooked up on the first night and i fell in love i was 17 at the time, he said he was 36 and i was cool with that. after our first night together i asked him if he wanted to catch up again the next evening so we did and on from there i was beginning to fall in love with him.
at the time he was working in a job where he had to travel and we would meet and go and see each other as much as we could, eventually i ended up moving state with him and lived with him in various apartments that his work paid for while he did jobs in that town, when we first me we would have sex a lot, then when we went from Adelaide to Victoria he said on the first day he was too tired to have sex and we went without with for a couple of days and after that the sex was only one or twice a week then after a couple of weeks its slowed even more.
when we finally moved to his hometown a was the plan, the sex was very occasional sometimes every now and then we would have sex a few times a week other times we wouldn't for weeks at a time, at this time i moved out of his house into a shared apartment because of his business partner {they bought houses lived in them renovated and sold them} i couldn't put up with this guys personality and my bf was going away for work.
after a while his business partner moved out and i moved back in, shortly after i was alone one night got drunk and ended up hooking up with a guy, i kept it to myself and went on, then i started an apprenticeship as a chef and was at work most of the time at this time i started to not trust him and was snooping all the time and we started fighting a lot just about small things and never anything violent.
by this time we didn't talk much and sex happened maybe once a month, shortly after through a text message found he found out that i had cheated and we fought and didn't talk for a couple of days then decided to try and make the relationship work, things were OK for a bit but then back to arguing about the small things my cheating would come up every now and then.
we had had a couple of threesomes in the time we were together and decided to look again,one night while on grindr i found a guy i chatted to and when i showed him a picture of my bf he said he had already been with this guy i questioned him about it and found my bf had bought him to our house one night while i was at work we fought and fought about it still decided to stay together and try and make things work, now im just at a loss i don go out with friends as i get questioned all the time and he goes to his brothers a lot.
now we barely talk in the evening when hes at home, and we go months without sex i still feel attracted to him and i still love him and at the same time i hate him, i feel trapped but at the same time i don't want to leave him. i have threatened to leave him a couple of time and he has said go but then Ive talked to him and we sorted it out then we just go back to not being happy together, i have tried to get him to do things with me but he just wants to go to his brothers house and work on cars and stuff.

im scared to leave because i love him and don't want him to be alone but i just cant see things getting better can anyone give me some advice????

[ChrisD]

First of all welcome to the forum. I wish the circumstances of your arrival were a bit happier, but we'll see what we can do to help.

My usual disclaimer: I have never been in a real, devoted relationship, so feel free to disregard anything I say.

Ok, since I unfortunately cannot completely put myself in your shoes, it is easy for me to say that you should leave him. It sounds to me as though things were fine (fun) for a while but then you picked up the rock of your relationship and saw the dirt underneath. I don't want to say that you were being used, since I don't quite understand his feelings for you.

It doesn't sound like you do, either, which is a problem. You say that you've been slapping a metaphorical Band-Aid on every time some foul business comes up, and that may be great for a while, and since you keep mentioning the issue of sex I'm guessing that it's a bigger factor in your feelings for him than it should be.

I would try to find out how he feels about the situation and your relationship, or at least gauge his reaction to the question. Glossing over it or dodging it is not good.

Since you have threatened to leave, and he has (I don't know how seriously) told you to go, you may want to follow through on the threat, as I don't think taking a break from each other would help in this case. Besides, you aren't really happy in the relationship anymore, it sounds like you're happy in the relationship that you used to have, the wonderful sex-filled happy times before the cheating and moving around.

Sorry if I sounded negative, I really didn't mean this as an accusation or whatnot, I was just giving my two cents.

I'm sure many more people will offer their far more valid opinions, everyone here is very helpful and feel free to shoot anyone a PM if you would like.

Good luck and again welcome to the forum,

Chris

[gaybrisboy24]

Hey ChrisD thank you for the welcome,
In a way I can say u r tight about being used one if the things that causes us to argue is the house work and small stuff being done there or not being done I do all the house work and I get no help if I do get help I get snide comments while its being done.
I do enjoy sex and yes it kinda does play a big factor for me as I'm still 24 I have quite a high sex drive and not having it I tend to jerk off, I have had degrading comments when caught jerking off, but it's not only the lack if sex that's getting to me it's the lack of affection, when we first met we kissed all the time and layed with each other and now that has stopped I'm lucky if I get a kiss when he gets home from work, if I don't text through the day he can go the whole day without texting and even saying I love u.
I have tried to ask him how he feels and he just shuts down and says he doesn't care Anymore. I only ever saw emotion from him once when I went clubbing one night and didn't come he came to my work and I said I didn't think it was workin and he broke down crying saying he didn't want me to go and that he loved me a couple of weeks later things went back to normal
I know in this relationship I have definatly not been faithful, however my distrust started long before my cheating and his came long after even tho I know he doesn't trust me but days he does I still believe he didn't and I know it's always at the back of my mind if he doesn't text or answer his phone it's the first thing I think of

[Vigilias]

Hi there, welcome to gayspeak.

Let's try and sort this mess out, put the tooth paste back in to the tube... So easy to do when you're not actually the one involved in these scenarios.

I'm afraid to say what you probably already know. Your relationship is all but over and by trying to sort things out you're just clutching at straws.

You're better off admitting this to your self and making a clean break of it. You don't do your self or your emotional well-being any favours by hanging on to this doomed relationship. When sex between partners begins to diminish in the way it has in your relationship, when threesomes and open relationships are negotiated it's a pretty clear sign that one partner doesn't want to be with the other.

Question: Why would he not want to have regular sex with you? Why does he feel sex needs spicing up with a third partner and why after all that does he feel the need for sex with another casual partner, why does he feel the need to keep it from you, to cheat?

Answer: (and don't take this the wrong way!) He doesn't find you as sexually attractive as he used to and the odds are, he wont again. From what you've told us, the sex has gone from every other day, to every other week and now every other month if at all. I'm not saying that your are no longer sexually atractive, just not to him - sorry, but these things happen.

Time to have THE talk. Go your separate ways, go through the grieving process and learn to love again. There's someone out there right now who's going to make you feel like the grass is green and the sky is blue again but staying in this doomed relationship is hurting your chances of finding him.

I understand that you're afraid of being on your own again and of never finding the right guy for you, but the only thing preventing you from loving someone again is you.

Bottom line, he no longer finds you attractive or loves you like he once did, you don't trust him and even if you spend the next thousand years together, you'll constantly check his phone and his online messages.

Time to move on, my friend, but trust me, it will get better!

Let us know how you get on, and I hope this helps.

Good luck!

[gaybrisboy24]

Thanks for ur replys guys and yea u have pretty Much confirmed what I needed to know I still don't know how I'm going to do it tho, also we have another 12 months in this house together so I'm not sure i can do a clean break I am on the lease and will have to find someone to take over it, but I prefer to do that than to tackle the talk any advice on how to tackle it?

[Waylon777]

I've only bee in a relationship once, so I might not be able to give you a good advice, but I would suggest to break up. Your situation seems similar to how my parents divorced.(Not to mean anything bad) They used to have so many arguments over small things and every once in a while, they break it off and tell each other that they are going to leave; later, they make up. Having a lot of argument(Not sure how serious) over small things are not that pleasant and probably shows that you guys rarely agree on much of anything. You sound not so happy anymore with your relationship, and from your writing, it seems that you guys are hanging on by a thread. I think it might be better to break it off and move on. It always sucks to see relationships slowly break apart, and it's darn excruciating to be in such situation. Plus, all the moving around makes it really difficult to proper good friends and keep track of people, that also can make a relationship blow apart.

[gaybrisboy24]

thanks for you reply and the welcome,
the sex is a big part i know it shouldn't be, but we barley even kiss anymore he can come home sometimes and not kiss me until i initiate it and generally if i try to do anything more he backs off, and ends up doing stuff around the house.
when we do end up fighting and i get talking i ask him about the way he feels about me and we just seem to go around in circles and if i talk about his feelings when were not fighting he starts to get aggro and dos'nt wanna talk, im scared to break up with him cos i think im scared to be alone i dont have many friends and i guess im scared to leave cos i dont wanna hurt him.
im struggling now cos i know i cant keep going like this but at the same time i keep trying to give myself reasons to stay its doing my head in :confused::frown:

[ChrisD]

the sex is a big part i know it shouldn't be,

...........
and i guess im scared to leave cos i dont wanna hurt him.
and does he feel the same about you? does he not want to hurt you?
im struggling now cos i know i cant keep going like this but at the same time i keep trying to give myself reasons to stay its doing my head in :confused::frown:

Well, you gave some reasons and I'm really sorry to say they ain't looking too great. You need to find somewhere to go- relative, friend, apartment whatever and not be afraid to be alone for a little bit because the pay off will be that you find people that are actually worth sticking with, be it friends or love interests.

[Waylon777]

I think sex should be relatively big part, it's one of several ways that you can enjoy each other. Plus, if it's important to you, I think it should be important as well for your partner. Either way, it seems like your partner don't seem to be able to give you a straight answer for how he feels. It really sucks... Your partner could be afraid of giving answer to you which could be something bad. Things don't look good.