Not Good Enough

[princealbertofb]

The other thing I have not mentioned in all this which might explain why I'm mentally in this slump.

I'm an ex smoker. My dad smokes, my mom has COPD from her time smoking....of course he doesn't bother to go outside or to another room to smoke....so yeah that's frustrating. I smoked for about 14 years and up until recently I had been quit for over 2 years. Well...I relapsed. At first it was Halloween, I was drunk with my sister and her friends and one of them smoked...took a few puffs off of it and everything was fine.... until about the beginning of December and having a stressful day, can't remember what exactly. I sneak one...fine for a few days then another and another and next thing you know I'm right back into it like I never even stopped.

Well I finally, made my mind up that I really need to stop it, I mean not just that it will kill me but it smells and if you think about it who really wants to date a smoker? I mean they're killing themselves.

So as with quitting withdrawals are really bad... I'm pretty sure that's why I'm down in the dumps.

For those of you who aren't smokers. It is a very strong addiction. It is like being on edge and you know that smoking a cigarette will make that go away and the association with that, emotionally, is very strong. That's why a lot say that smoking is just as addictive as some hard core drugs...

Of course, I want to stay quit, I mean the shit is expensive... about $5.50 a pack or more.. some it is over $6. That's cheap when you compare places like NYC and so on where it is probably $10-12.... I really do want to have my eyes set looking forward. I don't want to kill myself off before my time and run off people who otherwise might have a good friendship or relationship with.

Anyway, a moment of weakness can really undo a lot of work. Anyway, it is tough to quit and the first few days are the worst...but I think after tomorrow I think things should be closer to the normal I had for over 2 years...

Hopefully no more relapses...Just really need to get out of that place so I'm not around it constantly. I mean it is not easy to quit and live with a smoker...

Start by switching to vaping instead, lessens the bad effects and could be used to quit, eventually. Or so I'm told. I'm not a smoker so I have to go with whatever evidence has been published. Good luck, Axle.

[InbetweenDreams]

Start by switching to vaping instead, lessens the bad effects and could be used to quit, eventually. Or so I'm told. I'm not a smoker so I have to go with whatever evidence has been published. Good luck, Axle.

I actually tried e-cigarettes and they're kind of nasty and didn't really have the same effect... but for me the worst of the withdrawl symptoms are within the first 72 hours of quitting, from there it gets much easier...

[meridannight]

[MENTION=23180]axle2152[/MENTION], how about: ''I am not good socially, and I rarely meet men I happen to like, and I don't really think it's my thing to approach guys, but the next time I meet someone like that, I will try''. ?? How about that? Instead of overthrowing every suggestion I make, just try it one time.

Do you think the first time I did it I wasn't uneasy about it? I was. But I am damn glad I did it. I found out how exciting it actually is. I started loving it the more experience I got.

As for the money thing: any reason why you can't get a higher paying job in a place offering a better quality life and keep the stuff you already have? Pay your debts off like that? I don't understand why you have to stay in the same place to pay off your loans. Do you have to physically show up at someone's door with the cash? We have banks.

[InbetweenDreams]

Well as far as finding a better paying job I fear that my 2 year degree isn't going to land me something high paying or that many bites. Frankly I have been worried about it but if I'm actually objective here, I have always been employed when a lot of people were losing their jobs, so can say that I have been fortunate there.

All my problems are 1st world problems. No not starving or had a limb blown off from a mine, and I am very grateful that I'm not in a situation like that.

The thing that keeps me here, right now, is I can't afford to move anywhere, no savings, all that was depleted with the purchase of stupid sports car. If there was a dumb choice I ever made, it was that. Didn't need it, was not sustainable to budget paying for the car.

So the thing I see right now that really make sense, whether I end up in debt again for another reason, is to get this debt paid off and quickly. The quicker I can get it paid off, the quicker I can start saving money back to get out and move.

The other thing that bother does pertain to jobs. I really hate changing jobs, there's always a lot of anxiety, worried I might get fired or something along those lines. I was worried about it when I first started where I'm at now over a year ago.... I know I probably worry too much about these things and a lot of the worrying isn't doing anything but holding me back and that's just the truth. Not saying one should never second guess themselves but do so when there's a really good reason. For me it is almost like I have been conditioned to act this way and all the second guessing and lack of confidence comes at a steep price, because you're forfeiting at your life...my life.

So somewhere I am going to have to get past all the anxiety and fear and get on with it...